Miscarriage in Other Cultures

The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage

I really loved this article. I think I need to order four jizo for the garden at our new house.

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She’s Here…

She’s here, she’s perfect, and I am so in love. She makes the last two years of heartache and struggle completely worth it. I don’t really feel like I even have the words to describe how over the moon we are so for today let me just share a couple pictures of our rainbow…

37 Weeks

Sorry I’ve been absent. Between struggling with POTS and late-pregnancy¬† symptoms and moving on the 22nd (out of my in-laws’, into our own place – yay!!!), I have been a wee bit overwhelmed.

But holy crap, I am 3 weeks away from my due date! That doesn’t even feel real. Mr. ABC installed the car seat today and seeing it in my backseat got me a little choked up because it’s finally starting to feel real.

I unpacked the last of our boxes from Texas yesterday but still have a little bit more organizing to do before we can bring in baby’s new furniture and get it all set up. We went from 1600 sq. ft in Texas to 750 sq. ft here so I have had to get rid of anything we didn’t need. But it is coming together and hopefully by the end of this week we will have it all done.

Which is good since I have an ultrasound on Thursday to see if baby girl is still breech, like she was at 32 weeks. If she is, I think we are going to opt to skip the version (where they try to externally turn the baby) and schedule a c-section. I have more to say about that but at this point I’m worn out and need to go to bed! Goodnight!

31 Weeks – Another Trip to the E.R.

So last week was kind of eventful. I had been feeling progressively worse, in regards to my Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome symptoms, over a span of several days. I thought it was just the POTS getting worse as the third trimester progressed so I tried to power through it. Then things came to a head last Thursday and I went from just feeling crappy in general to feeling really wrong. I was shaky and weak and could barely walk or stand which really freaked me out. I called my doctor and they told me to come in right away and informed me that I was probably headed from there to the hospital. Great. Mr. ABC went for a run right before my symptoms ramped up so he got some urgent phone calls to get back to the house, pronto. Poor guy.

So I got to the doctors and was feeling slightly better for a few minutes after the car ride (sitting in a reclining seat like in the car often helps when my POTS symptoms are bad) but quickly went back to feeling terrible. My blood pressure was good by the doctor’s standards but high for me (120-something over 70 I think) and my heart sounded good, plus baby was kicking away and her heartbeat sounded good on the doppler. They said I didn’t have to go to the ER but that they wanted to run blood work and get me in to see a cardiologist (the type of specialist typically in charge of POTS) as soon as possible. In the meantime they wanted me to rest at home until they got the blood work back but if my symptoms got worse to go to the hospital.

So we went home and I felt like a drama queen for making everybody rush around. I still felt terrible though so I tried to lay down and rest. Then my phone rang and it was my doctor’s office. They had spoken to the cardiologist and he disagreed with their assessment. I needed to go to the ER and get IV fluids. Sigh.

So I wake Mr. ABC up from his well deserved nap and tell him the new plan. We head into the ER and explain what is going on. They hooked me up to a heart monitor and took my blood pressure as I was lying down, sitting up, and standing. Then they hooked me up to an IV. Two bags of saline later, I could actually stand without feeling like I was going to faint! Yay. It wasn’t the most pleasant way to spend a day but I was so relieved to feel better.

So, long story short, I was dehydrated. Again. Dammit! I carry a 24 oz water bottle everywhere I go. How do I keep winding up dehydrated??? Since then I have been monitoring my water intake everyday and I seem to max out at 8 or 9 glasses a day. I try to drink more but that seems to be all I can manage. It doesn’t help that both my bladder and stomach feel extra tiny at the moment. I swear I pee 50 times a day.

And despite all the drama, baby seems to be doing great. I had my 31 week checkup on Tuesday and they said everything looks good. I have a follow-up tomorrow with the cardio. We’ll see what he says.

Not As Okay As I Thought

So I thought I had my anxiety about this pregnancy pretty well in hand. Then yesterday at childbirth class the instructor was going over components of a birth plan and gave us a hypothetical scenario in which the baby started showing signs of fetal distress. Guess who left the room crying? I am a little worried that I’m going to start having contractions and get to the hospital and it’s all going to remind me of Halloween 2014 and holding my dead baby in my hand and I’m going to freak out. So now I’m worried about that on top of everything else. Yay.

Back East

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Well, as I mentioned in my last post, we made it home. We’re currently staying with Mr. ABC’s parents, which is less than ideal but the smartest choice. They’re wonderful and I greatly appreciate them letting us stay, but who wants to live with their parents when they’re 30? Not me. Unfortunately, Mr. ABC is still looking for a job and we don’t want to limit his search by locking ourselves into a lease in one area. That being said, I really hope he finds something within commuting distance of our hometown. Before we moved back, I was willing to be anywhere within a couple of hours of our hometown but now we’re here and we’ve settled in a bit and I really don’t want to leave again. At least not until the baby is born. I really like my OB office here and the hospital I’m delivering at and the MFM office I’m with. We’ve started childbirth classes and dog training classes. And I have most of my immediate family 15 minutes away. I just want to stay here for a while.

Mr. ABC has a lead on a good job around here but he won’t know if he got it until June or July. Obviously, finding something else sooner would be better but if it means leaving this area maybe it’s better to wait and see what happens with the local job? I don’t like rolling the dice like that for something that isn’t a sure thing but I am trying to just relax and see what happens. I have gotten new clients here, although not as many as I had in Texas. It’s something and quite frankly, I could use a break.

In baby news, I’ve had several appointments with my new OB’s office and everyone there seems great. Because I am allergic to glucola, the nasty orange drink they make you chug before your gestational diabetes screening, they had to do an alternative test. This turned out to be testing my blood sugar myself four times a day for two weeks. Annoying but I’m almost at the end of it and it could’ve been worse. thankfully my numbers look normal so no gestational diabetes for me! I also had a lovely incident where I stepped on a piece of metal so I had to update my tetanus shot. It’s standard to get a TDAP around 30 weeks anyway so they just gave me mine early (27 weeks). Yesterday was my first appointment with the MFM office here and they were great. They gave me ANOTHER anatomy scan (that makes 3, most people have 1) since they didn’t personally administer my other two. They said everything looked great but that they want to monitor baby’s development every month just to be sure the POTS isn’t affecting her. And they gave me my first 3D ultrasound which was very cool.

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I am still scared about cord accidents and still birth and basically all of the horror stories I’ve read in my journey through repeat pregnancy loss but seeing her little face makes it seem more real that I might actually be bringing a baby home soon.Fingers crossed.

Quick Update

Sorry I haven’t posted in over a month. At first it was because I was overwhelmed and busy with the move and then it was because I couldn’t figure out where to start. But because a sudden disappearance from a blog about recurrent miscarriage might suggest something bad happened, I wanted to post on here briefly that that’s not the case. Baby is still doing great. I will be back soon to give a longer update.

I Hate Moving

I realize being a military spouse and hating moving doesn’t really work out very well but there it is. Ugh! I hate it! Even with movers that the Army pays for (which is great), I still hate it. And I really hate it when I’m pregnant, uncomfortable, and not on my ADD meds.
When the move is months away I have all these plans about how organized I’m going to get things before the movers come in and I think I have plenty of time. And then that time evaporates and suddenly I am two days away from the movers coming and even if I didn’t sleep for those two days it would still be physically impossible to get it all done.
Sigh.
In my defense, Mr. ABC was not in the military when we met and initially fell in love. I did not plan on signing up for this whole moving once a year thing. But he joined while we were on a break and then I had the choice between giving it another shot, military and all, or walking away for good from the guy I love.
So here I am moving across the country again. Hopefully for the last time, since Mr. ABC’s contract is up and he isn’t re-enlisting. To the career military wives that do this for 20+ years: you have my respect.
Meanwhile, I’m going to go climb into bed and pretend I don’t have a million things I should be doing instead. Sorry for whining. Goodnight!

22 Weeks – Movement, finally!

So tomorrow will be 22 weeks. A couple days ago I started feeling what I thought might be movement but I wasn’t sure as it seemed to only happen maybe once or twice a day. Then, finally, I started to feel it repeatedly and now I know without a doubt that it is definitely baby girl dancing around in there!
To say I’m excited is probably an understatement. Although I have been feeling more confident in this pregnancy since my second anatomy scan went off without a hitch at 20 weeks, I was still anxiously awaiting the time when I would be able to know for certain every day that baby girl was fine because I could feel her moving. I know a lot of people start feeling movement around 16 weeks and I desperately wanted to be one of those people, just for the reassurance of it.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t. And at my anatomy scan I found out why. Apparently my placenta was located just at the perfect spot to block those sensations. According to the ultrasound tech and the doctor, I just needed to wait for my stomach to grow so the placenta would move out of the way.
And while I was glad to know there was a good reason for not feeling movement by this point, it was still frustrating. Like I said, my confidence was growing but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that this could all suddenly be ripped away from me at any time. Daily affirmation of baby’s vitality would be welcome.
And then I started to feel those random, one-off movements and that gave me hope that maybe more movement would soon follow. And it did! Baby girl is still mostly quiet during the day but at night, when I finally stop fidgeting and stay still, then she has a dance party!
Anyway, this is definitely the highlight for me at this point. Mr. ABC hasn’t gotten to feel it yet. There have been a few times where she has kicked hard enough for me to feel it on the outside but I generally have to hold my hand in one spot for a while before I get lucky enough to catch it. Plus Mr. ABC is generally asleep before I’ve been still long enough for the dance party to commence. But he will get to experience it eventually and I hope it thrills him as much as it thrills me.

20 Weeks…Holy Crap

Guys, I’m 20 weeks pregnant! Well, technically 20 weeks 5 days. I can’t really believe it. I never thought I’d make it this far. I had my second anatomy scan on Tuesday and they said everything looked great. I had three days of random rapid heartbeat which was disconcerting but apparently that is normal in pregnancy sometimes (who knew?). It’s gotten better the last few days so hopefully it doesn’t come back.

Baby shower planning has started which is another milestone I didn’t think I would reach. It’s not until June so we still have a ways to go but with the move 2 weeks away I am guessing time is going to start flying by.

I definitely have a baby bump now. It’s still hard for strangers to tell that it’s a baby bump and not just a couple extra pounds but if you know me you can tell. No stretch marks so far ::knock on wood:: Underwire bras and regular jeans are a thing of the past. I can still wear some of my normal tops and my regular yoga pants but mostly I’m wearing maternity clothes.

I’m finally starting to feel like I’m going to make it to the finish line (knock on wood, again). I really hope I’m right.